My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Less talking, more tequila
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
