He disabled his match.com account in front of me
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize