So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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