she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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