If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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