I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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