hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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