my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
