But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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