It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
