so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
