Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Randomize
