You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
