I wish I only lived at night.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
