For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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