Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
