I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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