we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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