Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
