Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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