woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
