We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
