My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
We talked him into tasing himself.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I can't put those talents on a resume
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
