So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
