And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
