i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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