I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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