The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
