i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
