Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
