it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize