I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
this hospital has no fireball
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
