Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
