I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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