I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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