dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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