SEEEEXXX PLEASE
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He better not be in your backpack
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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