I'm eating all of the evidence.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
