I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
