upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
