Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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