I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
4 words: hood of his car
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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