If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
