She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Randomize
