I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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