I feel great
I just peed on a car
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
