I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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