Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
