I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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