i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize