I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I just forgot I was standing up.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
