you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
