so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Everyone says I win the strip club
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
