I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
