I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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