I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
