In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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