no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
